Journey to Your Deepest Self

Let’s Pretend

Let’s pretend that everything is okay. That my heart isn’t breaking. That the grief I feel isn’t there. That I don’t feel completely abandoned. That I don’t feel completely alone. That I’m not terrified of really showing you what I’m feeling. That I’m not hating feeling all that I feel. That you’re really tired. That you’re not choosing to not be here with yourself or with me. That none of this is going on. Let’s pretend that nothing is hurting inside. That we’re each only here for ourselves. That we don’t really care. That it’s the other, anyone but ourselves, that has a problem. That it’s another day and it’s all okay now. That if we ignore it enough, the pain will go away. That this world is wonderful to be a part of. That it’s all pretty and nice. That we haven’t ruined it beyond repair. Let’s pretend that things are going to change at any time. That we don’t have to do anything different. That there’s plenty of time for all of this to sort itself out. That we’re not as terrified as we really are. That we don’t feel completely hopeless. That the pain we feel means there’s something wrong with us. That maybe a pill, some booze, a drug, any distraction will fix. That what we feel isn’t meant to be felt, doesn’t serve any purpose. That if we just numb out, rise above it, that it will all be okay. Let’s pretend that I don’t feel enraged about all the pretending. That the despair isn’t there either. That pretending is the best way we have of approaching all this. That we don’t really care. That if it all goes away, we’ll all be much better off anyway. That this is what it’s like to be alive. That we’re not killing ourselves each moment of each day. That it’s supposed to be this way. That the emptiness inside is what we’ve wanted all along. That death isn’t as bad as it seems. That it’s not us that’s manifesting the world the way it is. Let’s pretend that somehow, somewhere love will finally show up. That all of this will be a bad dream we suddenly wake up from. That it’s possible for things to really shift. That what I feel can get some relief. That healing is really, really real. That what I dream of can finally manifest. That it’s all been worthwhile. That I don’t have to pretend...

A Sense of Place

It is morning, the sun is shining, birds are calling and glinting dew is beaded along grass blades. Or, it is night, a moonless night, and stars are shining above the gardens, the neighborhoods, the beaches, the parking lots, the wars, the deceit, the lovers, the killers. In other words, You. Nothing changes anything. Because there is more than one way to read that, because of that time we drove in silence all the way to the ocean, because my shovel kills, because she hid herself at recess, because I got her back a day later, because he died on a motorcycle, because she’s afraid of flying, because he was always stuck in the crib, because she knocked it down, because there was a rip in her jeans at the knee, because that kid looked up into the face of the person holding his hand, because she saw it happen, because he sat there and said it, because the light changed, just then, because you quit, because I said so, because of time, because they listened to the tickling, chiming sound of the waves licking the beach, because everything that matters is here, now. In other words,...

To My Younger Self

Dear One, I want you to know something very important, that no one has ever told you before. So please listen closely, because this is so important. It’s okay that you hated your mother. It’s really okay. You couldn’t have done better than you did. It was horrendous having her as a mother. You were all alone, so scared, and afraid of her. She attacked you, emotionally, energetically, even physically. You did your best to love her, to stay open, and it wasn’t possible. It was too painful. Of course you would want to push all of that away. You had to close down, in order to survive. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person. You are loving. You are caring. You are a beautiful, pure child. You can’t expect yourself to be able to deal with forces that even the adults didn’t know what to do with, huge transpersonal forces. Your mother, she also did the best she could. She took in so much denial energy in her life. She didn’t know what to do with it either. She was like you in that way. She did love you as best as she knew how. It was hard for her. She wasn’t able to be there for you in a way that a mother should be there for her child. She didn’t know how. She was terrified, so traumatized. It was more than she could handle also. Now I’m grown up and I can be there for you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore. I love you so much. I’m going to deal with the denial energy. I’m going to give it so much love that it will melt. It won’t be able to continue any more. It’s the love that’s going to fix all of this. It’s the love that’s why all this happened. And it’s all okay now. You’ve done your job and you’ve done it well – delivering the denial energy to me so that I with the Folks can transmute it now. Thank you sweet one. You’ve been so brave. You took on a big job, and you’ve done it well. It hasn’t been easy. You’ve done an amazing job of finding your way through all of it. Please know that I am so grateful to you. The Folks are so very grateful. And you can give it to me now. You don’t have to carry the burden any more. You are free to open to the love fully. It’s all okay....

On the Road to Self

I don’t know who I am What I am Afraid to find out Who lives inside of me Hidden away Too afraid to look To know you I imagine a monster Horrid, bleeding, vile The worst of the worst Nothing that can be loved That can be lovable I feel the tension Of wanting to find out And the fear Too afraid To see what’s there Hidden in the dark All of who I am That’s been denied As if that would solve Bring relief To the terror I feel Others laugh, play, enjoy themselves Life seems so light and wonderful For them Not me, not this While I try to pretend Try so hard To be like them To not have the monster inside Knowing deep down It’s all a façade Of hiding From myself Is it time now? Am I willing to lose All the phoniness I’ve worked so hard To build up A fortress Protecting you from me Me from myself It all feels So intimate So personal So significant So urgent. The ultimate uncertainty Is love real? Even for the likes Of someone like me? Dare I find out Take the step To love That which has been judged As undeserving To find out Who I am Once and for all To become the movement That’s never been Willing to jump Into the unknown...
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