Journey to Your Deepest Self

Partly Cloudy

More rain on the way And I can’t feel anything but grateful for it Because of three years of drought Of being careful and not wasting Which of course meant no running through the sprinkler For the kids and no water balloon tosses Alex came home In the middle of the day And we sat together knee to knee Leaning in And came to understand some things And those were things such as There are no guarantees and security is an illusion Such as fear just wants to be held Such as we are vulnerable and we are strong Such as the desire for freedom Is a wild horse being broken By men with ropes and whips And that I’m here for the horse Across the street DeanDean the dancing machine Is looking at the sky Rocking on his heels Opening a can of beer I don’t know what he thinks But he asked Alex if he could take the boys golfing some time Since they don’t go to school As if schoolessness equals empty space As if I don’t even exist Maybe I don’t I want to be at the beach today Staring out into the gray vagueness of the sea Letting the sand trickle through my fingers Remembering another place Of browner skinned people Fortunate encounters that lead to All-night conversations full of raptness and accord With music in the background But I’m afraid there would be war I wonder if Earth Will collapse in on herself After we’ve bled dry all her channels And then when I hear Ian Crashing around in the kitchen I wonder what to make for dinner He asks if we’re in the phone book And I don’t even know When I was very young I thought you could call information And ask them any question And they would have the answer Yes, he says we’re in the phone book Oh good That’s proof of something isn’t...

Blue Yes

As I look into the blue yes Of the face of my son He is talking Words like flight, like running and jumping in – Cannonball splash I feel myself depart, searching With swelling desperation The desperation Searching for a way to convey I love you Without guilt Without it being a burden But I am lost Because the desperation will be in it And the guilt I am mute How to convey The feeling that stirs Of being touched by brightness By the essence of light And his smell of clean grass His voice reaches my ears And my heart of hearts Like gentle, pulsing bee song. I can sense him wonder: Where are we? For him The denial begins To seep in The judgments already forming Mom? Inside, The inner voice: Please, don’t ask me I have nothing to offer but Poisoned love Tainted with guilt and guilt And self-hate I have nothing to teach you That I’d want to teach. But teach I do I know He looks to me, A question in his throat, Mom? And in this moment of deep loss A mother’s loss This moment of unreachable-ness Falling away I am reached Her presence surrounds me from below Sweeping me up in her arms I feel her knowing me Understanding and Loving me Completely No questions Only grace Held in the arms of The Mother and her Loving Spirit I find that I am Alright All Right I breathe her in Soak her in I have re-membered My self My wholeness Looking into the blue yes Of the face of my son With new eyes I have taught him a dance Without any telling The dance of losing faith and Finding faith Of being separate from Love And becoming Love Looking into the blue yes Of the face of my...

The Biggest Love

I wanted a child Because I was going to invent the Biggest love That had ever been Pure love Pure beauty I could be Mary (Ah! Ah!Ah!) And all the trying Soul searching Book reading Frustration, worrying Falling short, falling apart Hating myself Loving myself Losing and finding and losing Myself Again and again Was not about Raising my sons It was about Raising myself Parenting isn’t so much Something to do As it is Something to let go of Letting go: Letting go of the possibility that I raise a child At all That I parent At all That I do anything For, to or with anyone At all Ah! Here is the terror Of manifesting something Beyond my reach Beyond belief Mmm! Here is the grief Of losing something I never had (Aw! Aw! Aw!) My children are strangers to me They always have been My children are gone They always have been Because I can guess What flavor ice cream He’ll choose I think I know him Kinder to accept That I’ll be living closely With strangers For a few years Letting go of All my self All my love Over and over Because holding Kills the butterfly Oh! Here is freedom And here is love And now we fly...

Coming Alive

I’m so tired of holding back It’s been this way forever Haven’t even known It’s been home My habit My coping Holding in Holding back Hoping to please What’s in here Waiting to be unleashed? A huge wave Of energy Of aliveness That might Probably will Scare The living death out of me Wake me up Propel me To some place I’ve never known There’s so much force So much power here What if it scares you Pushes you away? I’ll be alone So all alone As usual As always It’s how it’s always been Me trying to please By hating Who I really am Holding myself back This plan hasn’t worked For either of us So what’s there to be afraid of? It’s already that way Self imposed Aloneness Stale, suffocating jail With me enforcing the sentence Time to break free Blow it out Blow it open Come alive Risk it all Dare To live To be All of who I am Discovering Unfolding Expressing Opening To myself Time to come...

Welcome to Expressing!

By expressing all our feelings, with unconditional loving acceptance, we draw into our lives what we truly desire. The Expressing! Practice describes how to bring healing movement to...
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