Journey to Your Deepest Self
Currently Browsing: Betty Idarius

My Hard Shell

My hard shell My old friend Protector You’ve tried To keep me safe From assault The pain of opening Yearning for love’s arrival Yet once more Disappointment Heart breaking Tearing, twisting, bloodied Buckling, recoiling Hopeless, abandoned No longer able to stand tall No longer able to be In this desolate place. My hard shell My old friend Protector It’s time To be the fool To put you down To let real love arrive Not once more But for the first time Has love evolved? Has love matured? So something new can happen That’s been yearned for So long in the making It’s time To gather courage To allow What was only a dream To be born In this dark place. My hard shell My old friend Protector I’m willing To open To be real To feel No longer a shadow Of my self Find out what is left When I let go Of how it’s been When I open And let love enter Gently, tenderly Feeling me Touching me Deeply My long awaited lover Arriving in the darkness Of the pain that I’ve known All that has existed Until now. My hard shell My old friend Protector You grow porous No longer can I pretend To hide behind the image Of who I created myself to be Hiding so well from even me No longer are you needed As I discover it’s all inside of me Nothing to protect myself from All the joy All the pain The victim The perpetrator The destroyer The hater The lover and the beloved Always residing in the last place I believed them to be Free to open to myself Free to put down the mask Free to show who I truly am Free to give and receive The love that I’ve yearned for I welcome you...

Another Way

She didn’t know there was another way Another lover she could have The hatred she knew as her friend Used it to keep her alive Used it to feel alive She didn’t know another way She didn’t know love wanted her She’d been rejected so long ago Rejection knocking the wind out of her Gasping for breath that didn’t come She imploded wishing it would all end She didn’t know another way She yearned to believe that it could be different Terrified to open to another reenactment Guarded against the pain she nursed along Not knowing it was her choice Not noticing the change Included her if she chose To open to another way She’s getting braver Willing to know herself and to learn Willing to know she’s done the best she could Willing to risk it all For something different to be born Something worth living for Something that brings waves of blessed relief Calming, soothing, healing all the places that were hurting She’s realizing that it is her choice To open to another...

If I Were to Love Myself

If I were to love myself The world would be transformed No feeling inadequate, like I made a mistake No comparing myself to others… no matter what No feeling bad about how others respond to me Their acceptance or not No believing I’ve done anything to be sorry for No feeling like I’ve let anyone down Especially myself Nothing at all wrong with me anymore If I were to love myself. If I were to love myself I’d rejoice in all that I do All that I am I’d know beyond all doubt That I’ve been doing the very best I could For all time And that it’s okay to learn To be more of myself Than I’ve every known before Uncovering the goodness of my being If I were to love myself. If I were to love myself Body would rejoice Energy of love flowing to feed my cells Finally getting the nourishment to live Fully alive like never before The gift that is me That I was meant to bring to this world Inspiring others to bring their gifts forward Bring who they are alive For us all to receive If I were to love myself. If I were to love myself There wouldn’t be anything to be afraid of Fear itself would be loved And transformed by that love Into knowing the truth That I am important, vital Inseparable from all that is That it really is all about me After all Connected to all that is One to the other One large Body of creation Made to open us to the truth of our being Made to create a world based on real love If I were to love...

I Want to Be the Darkness

“I want to be the darkness!” She said. Not knowing how profound Her desire and courage went. Now I’m here with her Tumbled into this place Once more With her leading me Showing me the way She always has been Calling me to come down To where heart was lost A very long time ago She wants me to stay here forever now Never leave again I’ve been prone to leaving Hating the darkness The decay and stench here The ugliness of this place Of all the hurt and loss that’s ever been I’ve done all I could to stay away from here When she’s pulled me down Once more To the place where everything good withers A slow painful decay How could anyone want to be here? I’m walking in the land of the dead now Or so it seems With her Not alone anymore I’ve brought a small bit of light My willingness To bring love here However I can For as long as it takes No place else to go That feels more real Or more worthwhile being in No more avoiding What lives in the darkness I’m not leaving anymore I don’t know what I can do here Don’t know what will happen To me, to her, to it all I just know it has to be That she is included Her voice heard Her passion honored Or else we’re all doomed To be drawn into the abyss Of heart break Forever So here I’ll stay This small flicker of light I’ll keep tending That’s all it takes Or so she tells me A willingness to be transformed By the fire of this place That only burns away the illusions We’ve all been pretending Maybe the tides are turning now Time for something new Something yearned for From the very beginning Maybe the original spark That was drawn by the darkness Will stay So something new Something precious And wanted Can be...

Coming Alive

I’m so tired of holding back It’s been this way forever Haven’t even known It’s been home My habit My coping Holding in Holding back Hoping to please What’s in here Waiting to be unleashed? A huge wave Of energy Of aliveness That might Probably will Scare The living death out of me Wake me up Propel me To some place I’ve never known There’s so much force So much power here What if it scares you Pushes you away? I’ll be alone So all alone As usual As always It’s how it’s always been Me trying to please By hating Who I really am Holding myself back This plan hasn’t worked For either of us So what’s there to be afraid of? It’s already that way Self imposed Aloneness Stale, suffocating jail With me enforcing the sentence Time to break free Blow it out Blow it open Come alive Risk it all Dare To live To be All of who I am Discovering Unfolding Expressing Opening To myself Time to come...

Let’s Pretend

Let’s pretend that everything is okay. That my heart isn’t breaking. That the grief I feel isn’t there. That I don’t feel completely abandoned. That I don’t feel completely alone. That I’m not terrified of really showing you what I’m feeling. That I’m not hating feeling all that I feel. That you’re really tired. That you’re not choosing to not be here with yourself or with me. That none of this is going on. Let’s pretend that nothing is hurting inside. That we’re each only here for ourselves. That we don’t really care. That it’s the other, anyone but ourselves, that has a problem. That it’s another day and it’s all okay now. That if we ignore it enough, the pain will go away. That this world is wonderful to be a part of. That it’s all pretty and nice. That we haven’t ruined it beyond repair. Let’s pretend that things are going to change at any time. That we don’t have to do anything different. That there’s plenty of time for all of this to sort itself out. That we’re not as terrified as we really are. That we don’t feel completely hopeless. That the pain we feel means there’s something wrong with us. That maybe a pill, some booze, a drug, any distraction will fix. That what we feel isn’t meant to be felt, doesn’t serve any purpose. That if we just numb out, rise above it, that it will all be okay. Let’s pretend that I don’t feel enraged about all the pretending. That the despair isn’t there either. That pretending is the best way we have of approaching all this. That we don’t really care. That if it all goes away, we’ll all be much better off anyway. That this is what it’s like to be alive. That we’re not killing ourselves each moment of each day. That it’s supposed to be this way. That the emptiness inside is what we’ve wanted all along. That death isn’t as bad as it seems. That it’s not us that’s manifesting the world the way it is. Let’s pretend that somehow, somewhere love will finally show up. That all of this will be a bad dream we suddenly wake up from. That it’s possible for things to really shift. That what I feel can get some relief. That healing is really, really real. That what I dream of can finally manifest. That it’s all been worthwhile. That I don’t have to pretend...
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