Journey to Your Deepest Self

To My Younger Self

Dear One, I want you to know something very important, that no one has ever told you before. So please listen closely, because this is so important. It’s okay that you hated your mother. It’s really okay. You couldn’t have done better than you did. It was horrendous having her as a mother. You were all alone, so scared, and afraid of her. She attacked you, emotionally, energetically, even physically. You did your best to love her, to stay open, and it wasn’t possible. It was too painful. Of course you would want to push all of that away. You had to close down, in order to survive. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are a wonderful person. You are loving. You are caring. You are a beautiful, pure child. You can’t expect yourself to be able to deal with forces that even the adults didn’t know what to do with, huge transpersonal forces. Your mother, she also did the best she could. She took in so much denial energy in her life. She didn’t know what to do with it either. She was like you in that way. She did love you as best as she knew how. It was hard for her. She wasn’t able to be there for you in a way that a mother should be there for her child. She didn’t know how. She was terrified, so traumatized. It was more than she could handle also. Now I’m grown up and I can be there for you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore. I love you so much. I’m going to deal with the denial energy. I’m going to give it so much love that it will melt. It won’t be able to continue any more. It’s the love that’s going to fix all of this. It’s the love that’s why all this happened. And it’s all okay now. You’ve done your job and you’ve done it well – delivering the denial energy to me so that I with the Folks can transmute it now. Thank you sweet one. You’ve been so brave. You took on a big job, and you’ve done it well. It hasn’t been easy. You’ve done an amazing job of finding your way through all of it. Please know that I am so grateful to you. The Folks are so very grateful. And you can give it to me now. You don’t have to carry the burden any more. You are free to open to the love fully. It’s all okay....

All Hell Broke Loose

image from strangedangers.com “All hell broke loose!” he said As if that’s a bad thing Well let me tell you It’s Hell time! It’s about time For everything to fall apart So if you don’t like the heat Get out of the way Out of my way Because I’ve opened the door It can’t be closed anymore I want it all to come out It’s what I’ve asked for It’s what you’ve pretended you wanted It’s not neat and pretty This going to hell business It’s not controllable Not understandable It’s the ultimate letting go Not knowing Just falling, falling, falling into it Wondering if you will survive it? Let me tell you now That you won’t You won’t survive it! Not this part of you That believes in the neat and pretty The tidy and understandable The controllable That all get’s thrown out the window It evaporates actually Into the thin air of nothingness That it always was It’s not so bad this hell place Highly underrated Underestimated too For the power that it holds Always has held To do it’s work in the dark In the shadow Not because it needs to But because no one has wanted to see The truth of what goes on Down here in hell It’s had to stay down here Pushed down So unloved and unwanted And it’s not possible to stay fresh And clean and pretty Under such conditions So if you’re asking to go here Don’t expect prettiness Not at first at least And don’t expect to come out alive Not as you’ve known yourself Everything gets transformed down here Burned alive Purified actually Though it may not seem that way at first It’s not possible to know what will happen It’s not that kind of place Not made for those wanting the comfortable road I want to bring some light down here Any light at all would be new here Enough acceptance For what’s been going on So we can find out what it really is These places we’ve been so scared of So repelled by Finding out what it is When it’s no longer suppressed Pushed down in hell With all the other parts gasping Feeling the hatred that is all they have...

I REMEMBER

  The tug in my belly. The tears beginning, the disbelief.  How could this be happening? Why? I want this. I hate this! I want a different life. I’m free, finally free! NO! STOP! Do what I want, what I say!  Why, how, could you do this? Love someone else, want to be with her, hurt our love?  What of our love? What of me? What of our children? I hate you! I want nothing to do with you! I want you – completely. Don’t do this! Chose me. Chose me. Chose me! I remember a night, screaming.  Throwing out into the rain that brown suede jacket, take that you bastard, and leaving. It was after the push – one push – one push too hard. Hitting the floor, feeling the pain of a rib. Nursing the pain, nursing all the hurt, nursing myself out the door, into the truck. Driving to a friend’s house. Asking the next morning what you told the children. I told them you were mad at her, you said. Bullshit! Bullshit, I tell you. Bullshit. That’s all. Now, years later, the tug in my belly is gone, a pulsing heat in its stead. Passion replaces blaming rage. It took time to know the Universe was behind me all the way, that the rays of the sun still shone on my corner, and drew me forward, the earth pulling my roots to places beyond, deeper than the oak outside my house, that a chapter I wanted to write began that night. A life more true, my own. Not so reliant, dependent. No more following a script we both had bought. Thank you. Now I remember  – I always love you  –  always.   ...
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