Journey to Your Deepest Self

Blue Yes

As I look into the blue yes Of the face of my son He is talking Words like flight, like running and jumping in – Cannonball splash I feel myself depart, searching With swelling desperation The desperation Searching for a way to convey I love you Without guilt Without it being a burden But I am lost Because the desperation will be in it And the guilt I am mute How to convey The feeling that stirs Of being touched by brightness By the essence of light And his smell of clean grass His voice reaches my ears And my heart of hearts Like gentle, pulsing bee song. I can sense him wonder: Where are we? For him The denial begins To seep in The judgments already forming Mom? Inside, The inner voice: Please, don’t ask me I have nothing to offer but Poisoned love Tainted with guilt and guilt And self-hate I have nothing to teach you That I’d want to teach. But teach I do I know He looks to me, A question in his throat, Mom? And in this moment of deep loss A mother’s loss This moment of unreachable-ness Falling away I am reached Her presence surrounds me from below Sweeping me up in her arms I feel her knowing me Understanding and Loving me Completely No questions Only grace Held in the arms of The Mother and her Loving Spirit I find that I am Alright All Right I breathe her in Soak her in I have re-membered My self My wholeness Looking into the blue yes Of the face of my son With new eyes I have taught him a dance Without any telling The dance of losing faith and Finding faith Of being separate from Love And becoming Love Looking into the blue yes Of the face of my...

The Biggest Love

I wanted a child Because I was going to invent the Biggest love That had ever been Pure love Pure beauty I could be Mary (Ah! Ah!Ah!) And all the trying Soul searching Book reading Frustration, worrying Falling short, falling apart Hating myself Loving myself Losing and finding and losing Myself Again and again Was not about Raising my sons It was about Raising myself Parenting isn’t so much Something to do As it is Something to let go of Letting go: Letting go of the possibility that I raise a child At all That I parent At all That I do anything For, to or with anyone At all Ah! Here is the terror Of manifesting something Beyond my reach Beyond belief Mmm! Here is the grief Of losing something I never had (Aw! Aw! Aw!) My children are strangers to me They always have been My children are gone They always have been Because I can guess What flavor ice cream He’ll choose I think I know him Kinder to accept That I’ll be living closely With strangers For a few years Letting go of All my self All my love Over and over Because holding Kills the butterfly Oh! Here is freedom And here is love And now we fly...
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