Journey to Your Deepest Self

Blaming Rage

By Kathleen MacGregor

sketch-brkn-glass

The first thing I want to do
Is blame you.
I can’t find my keys
And I’m running late.
It’s your fault.
I knock over the wine glass,
Which you set on the counter,
I blame you.
You’re not even here
But it’s your fault.
And because you’re not here,
Which I blame you for,
I can see that I’m mad at myself.
For losing track, for being late for breaking a glass.
So I rage alone.
Stomping my feet, cursing and yelling,
I begin to feel
Afraid.
The old fear has always been there beneath the anger.
Habitual rage, lashing out and blaming comes first,
When I am really scared.
Scared that you’re not here.
Scared to be yelled at for running late.
Scared to be hit for breaking a glass.
Afraid of the consequences that will come down on me
Any moment.
Now I know it was a little girl
Not me now.
Me then.
Now I can finally
Let myself feel raw and afraid and I can say
I was really feeling scared today
Can we hold each other?

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