As I look into the blue yes
Of the face of my son
He is talking
Words like flight, like running and jumping in –
Cannonball splash
I feel myself depart, searching
With swelling desperation
The desperation
Searching for a way to convey
I love you
Without guilt
Without it being a burden
But I am lost
Because the desperation will be in it
And the guilt
I am mute
How to convey
The feeling that stirs
Of being touched by brightness
By the essence of light
And his smell of clean grass
His voice reaches my ears
And my heart of hearts
Like gentle, pulsing bee song.
I can sense him wonder:
Where are we?
For him
The denial begins
To seep in
The judgments already forming
Mom?
Inside,
The inner voice:
Please, don’t ask me
I have nothing to offer but
Poisoned love
Tainted with guilt and guilt
And self-hate
I have nothing to teach you
That I’d want to teach.
But teach I do
I know
He looks to me,
A question in his throat,
Mom?
And in this moment of deep loss
A mother’s loss
This moment of unreachable-ness
Falling away
I am reached
Her presence surrounds me from below
Sweeping me up in her arms
I feel her knowing me
Understanding and
Loving me
Completely
No questions
Only grace
Held in the arms of
The Mother and her Loving Spirit
I find that I am
Alright
All
Right
I breathe her in
Soak her in
I have re-membered
My self
My wholeness
Looking into the blue yes
Of the face of my son
With new eyes
I have taught him a dance
Without any telling
The dance of losing faith and
Finding faith
Of being separate from Love
And becoming Love
Looking into the blue yes
Of the face of my son