Blue Yes

As I look into the blue yes

Of the face of my son

He is talking

Words like flight, like running and jumping in –

Cannonball splash

I feel myself depart, searching

With swelling desperation

The desperation

Searching for a way to convey

I love you

Without guilt

Without it being a burden

But I am lost

Because the desperation will be in it

And the guilt

I am mute

How to convey

The feeling that stirs

Of being touched by brightness

By the essence of light

And his smell of clean grass

His voice reaches my ears

And my heart of hearts

Like gentle, pulsing bee song.

I can sense him wonder:

Where are we?

For him

The denial begins

To seep in

The judgments already forming

Mom?

Inside,

The inner voice:

Please, don’t ask me

I have nothing to offer but

Poisoned love

Tainted with guilt and guilt

And self-hate

I have nothing to teach you

That I’d want to teach.

But teach I do

I know

He looks to me,

A question in his throat,

Mom?

And in this moment of deep loss

A mother’s loss

This moment of unreachable-ness

Falling away

I am reached

Her presence surrounds me from below

Sweeping me up in her arms

I feel her knowing me

Understanding and

Loving me

Completely

No questions

Only grace

Held in the arms of

The Mother and her Loving Spirit

I find that I am

Alright

All

Right

I breathe her in

Soak her in

I have re-membered

My self

My wholeness

Looking into the blue yes

Of the face of my son

With new eyes

I have taught him a dance

Without any telling

The dance of losing faith and

Finding faith

Of being separate from Love

And becoming Love

Looking into the blue yes

Of the face of my son

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