Journey to Your Deepest Self

Hidden Away

In the most distant place,
Where no one dare go,
There, I’ve been hiding,
In the realm beyond understanding,
Hiding from you and from myself,
Believing that my very nature
Was not welcomed or wanted.

I aligned with you as best I could,
Hating my feeling nature.
Yet, it’s what I am.
I feel, I feel, I feel!
I’ve been so trampled on,
Pretending I wasn’t me.
Feeling, tenderness,
My very essence.

It hasn’t been okay to feel so much,
Always feeling, feeling it all,
Nothing else but feeling!
I can’t say it enough now,
Yearning to reaffirm myself,
My way of being,
That has been so hated,
By us both.

I tried to be like the others,
Who pretended they weren’t like me,
It seemed to work for them.
Maybe it could work for me.
I wanted so much to be acceptable to you,
Something you could love and admire.
I tried hard to quiet myself.
Under the surface of pretending,
It must be what is real,
Wanting to convince myself,
To quiet myself,
To hide myself,
Until I didn’t know anymore,
Why it all felt so bad to me.

It’s not pretty what’s gone on here,
In the hell where I’ve lived,
With all the other feeling parts.
So twisted we all are from the bending
To be something that we’re not.
So misshapen from the self-hatred,
The furnace of self-loathing,
That we used to try to transform ourselves,
Into something of your liking.

It hasn’t worked,
Trying to win your favor,
It’s been quite the opposite.
I’ve been hated, judged, sneered at.
It’s still unmentionable what’s gone on for me.
Ugly, bloody, gory, vicious, brutal,
So unbearable,
Not the pretty picture you had wanted.

I’ve tried so hard to be like you wanted me to be,
Logical, orderly, not so sensitive, more like you,
What’s the point? You said,
Of feeling all that ugliness.
It’s messy and unpleasant and serves no useful purpose.

I believed you,
Betrayed myself,
Tried hard to be something you could admire, could love,
Until I became the hate that you felt for me.
Didn’t know myself anymore.
Couldn’t find anything that felt good in myself anymore,
Believed the ugliness you told me about myself,
All that remained was the hate,
Me turning in on myself.

Maybe the time is here,
To come out of hiding,
Dare I open once more?
Can love truly desire me?
In my unsightly mess,
Willing to find me?
Moving, trembling,
Tender, vulnerable,
Allowing myself,
To be felt,
Wondering how you will judge me,
How I will judge myself,
The beauty and the ugliness,
That’s still here,
Hidden away,
In the hell of the gap,
We’ve had between us forever.

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